One of the hardest trials you may go through as a parent is to watch your child suffering and not be able to protect your child as much as you would like. Your child may ask or even beg for you to not get involved. You may have many questions as to what you should do. What is the right course of action? Should you let your child resolve this situation or should you come to the rescue? If you do get involved, just how much should you insert yourself? These are all difficult questions and the answers can be as varied and subjective as the child and circumstances. We cannot tell you exactly what the right response is when it comes to your child and your individual set of circumstances. Nor would we presume to know more than you what is best for your child. But we will strive to give you the information you need, so that you may apply it subjectively to your child's situation.

When it comes to bullying, it can be an annoyance to one child, or absolutely devastating to another child. This has less to do with a child's overall strength or weakness. It has much more to do with many other factors we will look at. It has often been said that bullying is a "rite of passage" through which a child becomes stronger. Know that this is completely false. It is usually articulated by those who are removed from the effects of this behavior, or enjoy the luxury of not having their own child subjected to ongoing cruelty.

Also, many misunderstand what bullying is. They think that normal conflict, or sporadic name calling constitutes bullying. While some of this behavior can be defined as "bullying", and it is bothersome, true bullying is more damaging.  Bullying is usually defined as unwanted and aggressive behavior forced upon another who is perceived to be in a weaker position. It involves repetitive behavior, not just a one or two time event. It has less to do with a conflict or difference of opinion, and much more to do with exerting control and subjugating another. Due to the desire of the bully to subjugate the victim (damaging their sense of personal worth)  and the repetitive nature of the treatment, true bullying can be very harmful to a child. 

We agree that normal conflict can help a child develop his or her strengths as well as conflict

resolution skills. But bullying rarely strengthens a child; rather it weakens the child. It is like

lifting weights. To develop muscles the right amount of weights must be applied. With care and

wisdom, the child will become stronger. Normal conflict is much like the right amount of weight

helping to develop the child. But bullying is more like lying a twelve year old down on a bench

and handing him 300 pounds and thinking somehow it will make him stronger. It will not.

The weight is too much and will only hurt him. Your child may say he or she can handle it because they do not want to appear weak. But pay very close attention. It is ironic that those who say that children just need to "suck it up" and learn how to deal in life, do not practice what they preach. When it comes to their own children they are equally protective. Nor do they truly believe it is healthy for the child. Within the walls of their own home, only the most ignorant subject their own children to this type of abuse. Most parents recognize that their children develop and grow strong through love, not hate. But for some it is much easier to be dismissive, cavalier, and removed with other children.

 

So let's try and help your child.

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Recognize the signs.

 

Bullying, like other crimes resulting in humiliation or shame, largely goes unreported. My name is Dean Gregg and I, myself, was bullied for a few years. For me it happened at church, of all places. I remember the lack of acceptance by my peer group and the embarrassment and erosion of confidence that it caused. I did not want anyone to know. Although it occurred over almost a three year period my parents never knew. I did not dare tell them. Tell them what? That my peers thought of me as so unworthy of common decency; that they would not even talk or sit by me. That they would look at me and feel free to whisper and laugh. I could not let my parents know this. So I would go to my room after church and feel the deepest sadness and self-doubts. On a few of the worst days I would go in and cry privately. 

I could not let my parents know. Were there signs? Looking back I think there must have been. Although I was pretty good at hiding it. Maybe if they had known what to look for and asked the right questions, maybe I would have opened up. But left to myself, I would never tell them.

How could I? I had not yet developed a sense of who I am. So, like most adolescents, my sense of worth came from my interaction with others. Their acceptance or their rejection was the gauge as to my value in the world. And to realize that your peers viewed you as of no value, not even deserving of common decency- no, this had to be kept secret. Not put into words and given life by actually making others aware. Better to suffer in silence than have anyone else see you as a social reject. For my family to know would be devastating.

I have looked at over a thousand cases of children being bullied and realized that I am not unique. I became aware of patterns of behavior that repeated over and over and over. I realized that bullying is so hard to combat and detect because in almost every single case, the child hides what is happening to him or her. They usually only will finally say something when they are close to the breaking point. And when they finally do say something, you are on precarious and sacred ground. They will feel scared and vulnerable. Scared that now they will be exposed and feeling more vulnerable than ever. Scared that the situation will only become worse. Most likely, they will only tell you a small portion of the truth, as if you are both walking on thin ice and the communication will be baby steps before you get to the real truth of what has been occurring.

There are signs you can pick up on that something may not be right. It may be bullying, or numerous other problems your child is experiencing. Here are a few things that can help you become aware if your child is struggling with bullying.

* When you pick up your child from school or other social activities, are they alone? Are they always alone?

* How often do your see your child engaged in conversation with his or her peers?

* Observe their expressions right after school. Do they seem stressed? Agitated? If you look in their eyes do they avert your gaze? Do you see sadness?

* Engage your child in open conversation immediately after school. Ask how their day went. Ask if there is anything new and interesting. Children are often resistant, especially adolescents. But if you take interest every day, and engage with them without forcing it, chances improve that they will engage back, although most likely only when they are ready. Be willing to be vulnerable yourself. Let them know of experiences you had in your youth where you may have felt alone, or hurt by your peers.

* Do they go straight to their room after school without engaging?

* Has your child lost interest in the sports or pastimes he once enjoyed?

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These are all signs that something is troubling your child. It could be many things. As parents, we want to protect our children and, whatever it is they may be going through, we need to be in tune and create the atmosphere so that our children will open up and talk to us. 

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Help your child feel comfortable to talk.

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Create opportunities. Children are more inclined to open up when we give them one-on-one time. It can be a bit tough, especially if you have a big family, but it does work wonders. Do not have an agenda going in. Your child will sense that you want something from them, rather than just wanting to be with them. This will close down their communication. Just spend time with your child doing what you feel naturally. Just love them and enjoy your time with them. When they know that you are with them simply because you want to be, with no other agenda, they will open up much more. Be willing to be vulnerable yourself. Let them know of experiences you had in your youth where you may have felt alone, or hurt by your peers.

School your feelings. Sometimes as parents we can be reactionary. We hear something that alarms us, and we interrupt. We react. We become emotional. If you do this, your child may close down. Or water down the truth. It is important to express any emotion as a statement of empathy and love for your child. Let them talk and say all they choose to say without interjecting. When you do respond, express your love and appreciation for them opening up to you. Do not be overly emotional. Let your words also reflect strength so your child will believe in you and find strength in you.

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Assess the extent of the bullying.

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This can be difficult. As we discussed before, children who are bullied often feel scared and vulnerable, and do not want you to know how bad the treatment may be, or how hurt they truly feel. Usually, they will understate the extent of the problem at first. Much like dipping their foot in the pool before jumping in, they want to see if it is safe before they jump in. Your reaction as a parent is important to a child feeling safe enough to tell you the full truth, and provide details. Reassure your child of how much they are loved and how wonderful they are. 

Remember their voice, not yours, is the one that needs to be heard. Do not let your words get in their way. 

After they have opened up there are a few things you will want to know. Perhaps they will have already provided the answers. If not you should ask-

How long has the bullying been happening?

How many are involved in the bullying?

Where does it happen (lunchroom, lockers, outside, class, etc.)?

Are any teachers, administrators, or other adults in roles of authority aware?

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Is your child being cyberbullied?

 

Bullying today is much different than when myself and many of us grew up. It is no longer confined to the school grounds or any specific area. Cruel treatment of others by their peers now follows children even into the sanctity of their one refuge- your home. Children are taunted at all hours when they are targeted and their peace of mind and feelings of safety are attacked. Because online bullying does not require face to face confrontation, the words said have become much crueler and more destructive than ever before. Children are told they are worthless in the most vile manners and are even told to kill themselves.

It is important to know if your child is being bullied online. Different parents will vary in their views of appropriate monitoring of a child's online communications. If you are comfortable or feel that your child's circumstances merit monitoring their online communications, there are computer software and phone apps that will aid you. Do some comparison shopping to see what best fits your child's needs. 

The software and apps have the potential to monitor vulgarity, restrict websites, alert when photos are exchanged, track your child's location, etc.

Click this link for an idea of what is available.

The signs that your child is being harassed online are very similar to traditional bullying with a few exceptions.

Take notice if your child closes and opens new social media accounts.

Take notice if your child seems agitated and abnormally obsessed with messages that are coming across his/her electronic devices.

If you find that your child is being harassed online, it is vital to document the messages that are coming across. Take screenshots and talk with your child to not delete these messages. 

Most schools also have policies that do not allow their students to cyberbully another student, and cyberbullying can be reported to the school as with traditional bullying.

Be pro-active with your child. Explain to them that it is not okay to ever post or re-post potentially hurtful and destructive messages or pictures of another.

Also have a conversation about appropriate responses to inappropriate messages. Teach them to log off and not engage in conversations that are mean-spirited. If these type of messages continue to be sent, the sender should be blocked.

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Assess your child's feelings.

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Again, this can be difficult. Your child, if like most, will hide his or her true feelings. They may do so to not worry you. Or they may do so as a coping mechanism. Or perhaps simply out of embarrassment.

It is important to come to understand what your child's true feelings are.

It can help you get a better idea of where your child is at by asking questions that require numerical answers, rather than emotion-laden words.

 Ask how much of their day is spent concentrating or thinking about the bullying that they are experiencing. Ask if they are able to concentrate on their schoolwork or other activities.

Rather than asking how they feel use a scale method. Ask how they are feeling on a scale of 1 to 10 while at school.

Also, you can ask on a scale of 1 to 10, how much anxiety they are feeling.

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Develop an action plan

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Once you have an idea as to the extent of the bullying and your child's emotional state, you can develop your action plan.

Before going further, we must stop and say -

If in your assessment you determine that your child is in danger, either from others or in danger of self-harming, it may be appropriate to remove your child immediately from the danger. 

If it is necessary, or you perceive that it is necessary, to remove your child from the school to protect him or her, please do so. Our first allegiance must be to our children always. We love and appreciate all the hard work and dedication from our teachers and schools, but we do not sacrifice our children for political expedience.

It is never healthy to overreact. And it is very subjective to the child. No one knows their child better than you and so you must assess and make the right decision. 

If your child is not in immediate danger, your action plan will be between you and your child.

Of course, never take actions into your own hands. Use wisdom and intelligence.

Do not initiate contact with the bully(s) unless a positive relationship already exists prior to the incident.

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Advise your child as to how to appropriately respond. For these answers please read and direct your child to read the portion of this website written to students.

Also, please watch the following video for some great tips when the bullying is aggressive or confrontational in nature.