An Anti-Bullying, Finding our Humanity & Decency Movement
For High School Students
Are you being bullied? Or do you have a friend who is being bullied?
The first thing we want to say is we are sorry that you are dealing with a bully or bullies. It is hard. We know, because we have been there. It can be scary in some circumstances. At the least, we feel alone. Invisible even while surrounded by others. Maybe betrayed. Or confused why we are being treated this way. Many people, like me, felt sad and alone because of being bullied during my school years. For me It did not happen so much at school. I had extreme social anxiety and I was pretty much left alone. I sometimes joke that I was not important enough to bully. For me, it occurred for a few years at church. Yes, even church is not always a safe place. All these feelings can be overwhelming at times. That is why I created this site. My name is Dean Gregg and I was bullied too. I also saw some friends being bullied. But do not pay any attention to the haters. We have all learned that things do get better. Take it from those who have been there. This moment will pass. There are beautiful days ahead.
Hunter Hayes has a great message. Could not say it better.
"Someday you'll look back on all these days and all this pain is going to be invisible."
Sometimes bullies do not know how bad their actions are. You probably do. You probably would not hurt another person on purpose. You most likely have empathy and understanding for what other people feel. This is a sign of intelligence. In fact, we believe empathy is one of the signs of a truly developed consciousness. A higher intelligence level because it requires that you see outside yourself.
Some kids need more time to develop empathy. They need to learn to care for other people. Some of our young have not developed this kind of intelligence. I have found that many students who are bullied just do not have mean bones in them. Either because it is not their nature, or they have learned through their own experiences.
Empathy, awareness of others, and compassion are wonderful character traits. Much more important than superficial and meaningless popularity. You see, who you truly are, the true person inside of you, is the only thing that is of value once we get past the facades and masks. It is more important than how nice your hair is. It is more important than being strong or being pretty. It is more important than how fast you learn. The world is a better place because of the people who care. Our hope for the future depends less on the intellectual advances, and more on our advancement in emotional intelligence.
You may question your own emotional intelligence. I have heard some beautiful people question this because they are sad so often. Or do not fit in socially. And that is valid to look at. But before you decide that you are the problem, you may want to look and see if you are surrounded by assholes (I apologize but could not find a more appropriate word).
At times in our lives there are valid reasons to be sad, or not fit in. Maybe even confused by what we are seeing and experiencing.
For example, let's suppose you were living under a different set of circumstances. I will use an imaginary scenario with an accentuated contrast to make the point.
Imagine you live in a mansion in a third world country surrounded by abject poverty and starvation. And you are perfectly happy because the sadness outside your door does not affect you. Life is good for you. You are happy.
Tell me, is this emotional intelligence? It is not. Just the opposite. Under these circumstances, of course, a decent person would feel sad. People with emotional intelligence see beyond themselves and feel another's sorrow. He/she would make efforts to help those who are suffering find some happiness and hope also.
Sometimes happiness is not an indicator of emotional intelligence. Sometimes sadness is.
So maybe you do not fit in at school. And maybe you wonder if there is something wrong with you. Why do they not accept you? Maybe it is because you are different than them. And, maybe, sometimes, that is a good thing.
Too often schools become breeding grounds for anti-social behavior. When this is the case, we applaud those who do not seek to fit in. It can take a lot of strength and emotional intelligence to stand alone.
This much I know. People who are mean in nature often mock people who are genuine. They mock people who are sincere, or without guile. They are playing by different rules than you. Do not feel bad. There is a good chance you are just ahead of the game. They will need to catch up. Most will learn to one degree for another. And they will feel shame in the future. Believe in yourself. It will make it easier to forgive those that hurt you.
Uncle Adams has blended a great sound with meaningful messages,
creating music that is catchy, young, and inspires us to be better.
"When you see a fellow classmate
treated in a bad way
stand up for him
and support him like a back brace.
No sad face..."
If some of your peers call you names, laugh at you, and ignore you, try not to feel bad. You are beautiful. They have not learned to be as beautiful yet.
Britt Nicole has a fun song and attitude to remind us.
"...don't let anybody tell you that you're not loved
And don't let anybody tell you that you're not enough
Yeah there are days that we all feel like we're messed up
But the truth is that we're all diamonds in the rough."
So what can you do if you are being bullied?
Use your voice: Speak up!
The two most important words to remember if you are being bullied: Speak up!
Speak up to the bully.
Do not get mad and say something insulting like the bully does. If you do, the bully may blame you.
Be straight up. Tell the person that is acting like a bully that their words/actions make you feel bad. Ask them to please stop with a brave voice. If they do it again, repeat what you told them. Tell them again that their words make you feel bad. Ask them to please stop again with same brave voice.
After you tell the bully to please stop, walk away. Do not stay and keep talking. Just leave. If the bully continues just ignore him or her. Do not show interest. Do not act upset or sad. If you tell them to stop, and then ignore them, many bullies will get bored and quit bothering you. If leaving is not an option, or you feel it is not the best option, a phone can be a good tool. If you have a phone, use it to send a text message, or make a phone call. In other words, by using the phone you are showing that you are no longer paying attention and are no longer interested in what they are saying. But you must not argue with them. Just say to stop and that is all.
If you do this some bullies will stop and leave you alone. Some may continue.
Now do not misunderstand us. We are not saying that the person tormenting you will all of the sudden have some miraculous change of heart. We are not that naive. And we have been there. We are simply saying that you must take away their motivation for bullying you. Bullying is about exercising power over another person. Bullying is about subjugating another who is perceived to be in a weaker position. So do not cooperate! If you do not behave in a fearful or sad manner; if you look straight at the bully and call him out calmly, and walk away not giving him or her any more attention, they will not be getting the reaction from you they desire. The chances are pretty good they will stop. Maybe move on to another target who acquiesces better than you do. There are no guarantees here. But this is what needs to be done in the majority of cases.
The only exception to this rule is if you feel there is a truly legitimate concern that you may incur physical harm. If this is the case, just leave. Do so as calmly as possible, but do get away from the situation.
If the bullying continues you may choose to record the bully in action. Many smart phones will allow you to download an App for recording purposes. Talk to your parents and find out what your state laws and school policies are regarding public recordings. If you do choose to record the behavior, be sure to be protected by the law and be discreet.
Write it down.
Write down what the bully is saying and doing to you. Sometimes it is hard to talk and explain things. It can be easier if you write it down immediately after it happens. Include all the details. Where did it happen? What time? Who was there?
Speak up to an adult.
If a bully will not leave you alone, then you must speak up to an adult. Tell your parents or guardian if you can. Tell your school counselor, or whatever staff you trust on campus, that you are being bullied and ask for help.
When you tell an adult , you must tell everything that is happening so they understand. You may feel embarrassed. But you must say everything (with details) that the bully is doing so the adults will understand and help you.
Yep, you need to be brave. Sometimes we would rather just take the abuse. But please don't. Please speak up!!
It may feel like the bully has power over you but they do not.
Create a written report.
Transfer what you have written over to the school when you make a report.
Ask the administrator, teacher, or counselor that is helping you for the appropriate form. There needs to be a written record. Make sure to get a copy for yourself. You may choose to have your parents or guardian help you with the letter.
Follow up.
Let the school know that you would like a follow up meeting and set this up when you make your first report. Get an exact date and time you can meet again. Communicate that you want to ensure that the bullying stops and want to check beck to see if the school has taken measures to protect you. You will also let them know if their measures have been effective and the behavior no longer is occurring. Set up as many follow up meetings as necessary if the bullying continues. Keep a thorough record of all conversations, participants, and follow up plans.
TIES also may help. We have volunteers throughout the United States that can assist you and your parents as a third party. We will also keep a record of the bullying incident, the action plan communicated by the school, and provide follow-up to help ensure that the bullying has stopped. Contact us if we can assist.
Some bullies, we realize, are not satisfied with intimidation, humiliation, or simple insults. At times, bullying involves actual physical attacks. When you are touched aggressively against your will, this usually constitutes an assault and battery. The law does not allow for this. If you are assaulted leave the situation quickly if possible. Again, immediately contact your parents or guardian. File a report with the school that you were assaulted and attacked by a fellow student. It is not enough to simply make the school aware. Be sure that you are given the appropriate forms so that the incident is in writing. Most schools will have a Bullying Incident Report Form. Ask for a copy for yourself.
This form should allow you to provide the following information:
Date(s) and time(s) of bullying incident(s)
Names of those who were bullied
Names of those who were doing the bullying
Names of any witnesses
Description of incident(s)
The law protects all people equally, even our youth. Adults do not allow themselves to be abused and neither should you.
We want you to know that there are various laws that protect you from bullying behaviors. These laws will differ in definition and scope from state to state and from country to country. Check in your country or state to see how you are protected.
Here are a few of the laws against bullying that you should be aware of. Click on the following links for definitions.
You are protected by our laws. If you choose to protect yourself using the laws designed to protect you, it is your right.
Friend support.
If a bully will not leave you alone then try to stay with a friend(s) when possible. Do not be alone where no one else is around, like the bathroom, hallway, bus or outside.
If you see someone else being bullied, you should also remember: Speak up!
Tell the bully to stop. If the bully continues tell an adult.
Remember: They are wrong. Do not even pay attention to bullies.
It is not your fault. You are strong. You are beautiful.
It is not your fault. You are strong. You are beautiful.
It is not your fault. You are strong. You are beautiful.
Always remember!!
This is the love and support we all need from each other.
Thank you Sina & Soni (The Duo). And thank you X Factor Australia.
High School can be a very stressful time for many students. We know this. You may feel pressure from family, or school, or friends, or other students, or maybe all of them. If you are also being bullied, well, it is a lot. We know because we have also been through it also. It is hard but you can do it. It is very important to keep your values. Make good decisions. Sometimes when we feel sad we hurt ourselves more than anyone else does. How do we do this? We tell ourselves lies. We tell ourselves we are not good enough. We say we are not pretty enough. Or we are not smart enough. Or popular enough. Or many other things.
When bullies feel bad, they hurt other people. But if you are a caring person, you do not hurt others. Problem is, sometimes caring people hurt themselves.
If you would not tell other people mean things to hurt them, do not do it to yourself either.
The truth is you are amazing. You are a story that is unique and beautiful and irreplaceable.
It does not matter that you are popular or not. This is really very silly and unimportant. Many wonderful people were never popular in school. It does not matter. It may seem important now but you will see later how unimportant it is.
The important thing is to be you! Be true to yourself. Be the best person you can be. Help make this world a better place. You must believe in yourself and like yourself. So start by being kind to yourself.
Such a "perfect" song by Pink. And AHMIR has a great cover.
"...change the voices in your head, in your head
Make them like you instead."
Selena Gomez was bullied badly during her school years. Knowing this, her song "Who Says" has even deeper meaning.
Selena Gomez speaks from experience and has created beauty.
"...who says you're not perfect?
Who says you're not worth it?
Who says you're the only one that's hurting'?"
You are not the strongest? So what!
You are not the prettiest? So what!
You are short? So what!
You are too tall? So what!
You are autistic? So what!
You are not the smartest? So what!
You are overweight? So what!
I guess you are as imperfect as all the rest of us. Everyone, and I mean everyone, has hidden weaknesses and flaws. Everyone! This is why the world needs kind and caring people.
Thank you, Mark, for such a meaningful song for all of us.
"I'm fat, I'm thin, I'm short, I'm tall
I'm deaf, I'm blind, hey, aren't we all?"
Here is a great truth we all learn as we get older. Being different and being original is absolutely a great thing. Fitting in is not so important. Being YOU! is very important!!
If you care about values, and care about people, then you are what this world needs. Be kind to yourself also.
Some children may bully you, or make you feel bad. It is because of who they are at the moment. It is not you. But this will all change. You will see. It always does.
After I began my research into bullying, I quickly realized that this would be my passion and cause in the future. I knew firsthand the hurt caused at the hands of others. I saw that bullying has increased in quantity as well as in cruelty since my days. The professionals with whom I worked in education expressed support for my efforts, as they also knew on a personal as well as professional level that bullying has become an epidemic.
One in particular spoke privately to me. He was an older gentleman who had spent the last 40 years of his life working in education, the majority of those years as an assistant superintendent to a school district in Texas. He was a man who I held in high respect for his integrity, and caring and giving nature, always thinking of others. In fact, he had once been "Man of the Year" in his hometown. He said, "Dean, I was a bully when I was in school, and I am sorry for it. It has been a regret I have lived with."
I thought about asking for details but I did not. I looked into his eyes and heard his tone of voice. He truly was sorry even though so many years had passed. So I did not ask because I know the pain. Not just for the bullied, but many times for the one who bullied and later realizes what he or she did. I did not want him to relive that pain either.
I simply told him how much I respected him. Even more now, to hear his honesty so many years later.
Life teaches us many lessons. Most of those who have hurt another at some point, also live with that pain.
The best thing we can do is forgive and be free of all of it. After all, along the way, we all mess up , and need someone else to forgive us as we live this crazy life of ours.
Thank you, MercyMe. After all, we all want true friendship and meaningful love in our lives.
"And like a hero who takes the stage when
We're on the edge of our seats saying it's too late
Well, let me introduce you to grace."
The song "Flawless" is performed by the Christian band MercyMe. I do not have to be religious to recognize a true principle in the words. There is something right and healing about acceptance and unconditional love. Acceptance is something we should all give each other. If you have not found much acceptance during your school years, that will change. For now, be the change you want to see in the world.
The following short story was written by Roger Dean Kiser.
I walked into the Huddle House restaurant in Brunswick, Georgia and sat down at the counter as all of the booths were taken. I picked up a menu and began to look at the various items trying to decide if I wanted to order breakfast or just go ahead and eat lunch.
"Excuse me," said someone, as they touched me on the shoulder.
I looked up and turned to the side to see a rather nice looking woman standing before me.
"Is your name Roger by any chance?" she asked me.
"Yes." I responded, looking rather confused as I had never seen the woman before.
"My name is Barbara and my husband is Tony," she said, pointing to a distant table near the door leading into the bathrooms.
I looked in the direction that she was pointing but I did not recognize the man who was sitting, alone at the table.
"I'm sorry. I'm, ah. I'm ah, confused. I don't think that I know you guys. But my name is Roger. Roger Kiser," I told her.
"Tony Claxton. Tony from Landon High School in Jacksonville, Florida?" she asked me.
"I'm really sorry. The name doesn't ring a bell." I said.
She turned and walked back to her table and sat down. She and her husband immediately began talking and once in a while I would see her turn around in her seat and look directly at me.
I finally decided to order breakfast and a cup of decaffeinated coffee. I sat there continually racking my brain trying to remember who this Tony guy was.
"I must know him," I though to myself. "He recognizes me for some reason." I picked up my coffee up and took a sip. All of a sudden it came to me like a flash of lighting.
"Tony. TONY THE BULL." I mumbled, as I swung myself around on my stool and faced in his direction.
"The bully of my seventh grade geography class," I thought.
How many times that sorry guy had made fun of my big ears in front of the girls in my class? How many times this sorry son-of-a-gun had laughed at me because I had no parents and had to live in an orphanage? How many times this big bully slammed me up against the lockers in the hallway just to make himself look like a big man to all the other students?
He raised his hand and waved at me. I smiled, returned the wave and turned back around and began to eat my breakfast.
"Jesus. He's so thin now. Not the big burley guy that I remember from back in 1957," I thought to myself.
All of a sudden I heard the sound of dishes breaking so I spun around to see what had happened. Tony had accidentally hit several plates knocking them off the table as he was trying to get into his wheelchair which had been parked in the bathroom hallway while they were eating. The waitress ran over and started picking up the broken dishes and I listened as Tony and his wife tried to apologize.
As Tony rolled by me, being pushed by his wife, I looked up and I smiled.
"Roger" he said, as he nodded his head forward.
"Tony" I responded, as I nodded my head, in return.
I watched as they went out of the door and slowly made their way to a large van which had a wheelchair loader located in the side door of the vehicle.
I sat and watched as his wife tried, over and over, to get the ramp to come down. But it just would not work. Finally I got up, paid for my meal, and I walked up to the van.
"What's the problem?" I asked.
"Darn thing sticks once in a while," said Tony. "Could you help me get him in the van?" asked his wife.
"I think I can do that," I said as I grabbed the wheelchair and rolled Tony over to the passenger door.
I opened the door and locked the brakes on the wheelchair.
"OK. Arms around the neck Dude," I said as I reached down and grabbed him around the waist and carefully raised him up into the passenger seat of the van.
As Tony let go of my neck I reached over and swung his limp, lifeless legs, one at a time, into the van so that they would be stationed directly in front of him.
"You remember. Don't you?" he said, looking directly into my eyes.
"I remember, Tony," I said.
"I guess you're thinking 'What goes around comes around'," he said, softly.
"I would never think like that, Tony," I said, with a stern look on my face.
He reached over and grabbed both of my hands and squeezed them tightly.
"Is how I feel in this wheelchair how you felt way back then when you lived in the orphan home?" he asked me.
"Almost, Tony. You are very lucky. You have someone to push you around who loves you. I didn't have anyone." I responded.
I reached in my pocket and pulled out one of my cards that had my home telephone number written on it and I handed it to him.
"Give me a call sometimes. We'll do lunch," I told him. We both laughed.
I stood there watching as they drove toward the interstate and finally disappeared onto the southbound ramp. I hope he calls me sometime. He will be the only friend that I have from my high school days.
The point is, everything changes. You may feel overwhelmed at times now from the bullying but this moment in your life will not last. There are beautiful times and memories awaiting you. It gets better.
You can feel her passion and feelings in her music.
"Then one day just the same as the last
Just the days spent in counting the time
Came a boy who sat under the bleachers
Just a little bit further behind..."
Make new friends.
This can be hard, especially if you are shy or have social anxiety. You may think that you are already being bullied, and now we are saying to make friends? You do not want to set yourself up for more bullying. So how do you do this? A great way to make new friends is through school clubs or athletics. What do you enjoy? Ask your school if there are clubs that support your interest. It really helps to find others who care about the same things you do. You will share a connection from the beginning. We all need friends. Maybe you have some good ones. Still, make some new ones. It helps.
Hard time deciding on a club? Well, if you are reading this, one thing you probably care about is decency and caring for others. Does your school have an anti-bullying club? Or a club to create a better school community? Find out. Ask your teachers, counselor, or administrators. If not, ask to start one. The school should support you. These make the school even better. There are some good ones across out there. A little research and you will find them on the internet.
At TIES, we support Living Intelligently For our Tomorrows (LIFT) Clubs. If you would like to start a chapter at your school talk to your teachers or counselor and let us know. We will help you! For more information about LIFT, click here. LIFT Clubs will be available for school year 2019-20.
We are sorry that you are being bullied. It is hard. You may feel sad. This is normal. Many people have had to deal with a bully. Even famous people. Here are a few. Bullied celebrities.
You are strong. You are beautiful. It will not last forever.
You write your own story. Others may write pain into your story but you can just turn it into beauty.
That is what we do.
So powerful. Has impacted everyone who has watched and heard.
"...our lives will only ever always
Continue to be
A balancing act
That has less to do with pain
And more to do with beauty."
Do you self-harm (cut)? If this is an issue in your life, please click here. We would like to talk about this. You know it is time to stop.
Stand Up For Others
Have you ever seen someone at school being bullied? You probably have.
I remember when I was in elementary school. There was a boy who went to school with me. He was overweight and other kids would call him names. The typical stuff like like "fat", and "fag", among others. Sometimes they would hit him. I would see this happening every few weeks. It made me sad. I wish I had tried to help this boy. I should have told the other kids to stop. But I did not. Now I know what I should have done. It has been more than 40 years and I still remember.
Michael & Marisa are using their talents for positive change.
"...I'll be your friend
What do they know?
It's all so pretend
They can go away
...Take them all away and we are the
same."
You know what you should do if you see someone being bullied. Yes! Unless it is unsafe, you should tell them to stop! (If it is unsafe get help quickly.) Be that person you know you really are. Stand up for what is right. Stand up for those who may not be able to stand up for themselves. Finding this strength inside you will give you a feeling of freedom. You will know you own yourself.
We fell in love with this song the first time we heard it.
"If I could go back do it again
I'd be someone you could call friend
Please, please believe that I'm sorry."
One of my proudest moments came when my daughter was in school.
It started out with a phone call from my daughter saying she has been suspended from school. I asked what happened and she said she had been suspended for being in a fight. Nothing of the sort had ever occurred before and I asked for details. She said she had not been in a fight. Rather, she had tried to stop an assault on another student. She told me she simply tried to stop a bigger student from attacking a smaller one who was sitting passively. I told her to give me all the details. I would be calling the school and I did not want to find out that I had only heard half the story. As she cried she promised that I knew everything and she did not understand why she was being suspended. Long story short, a video was uploaded to YouTube that showed my daughter standing in the way of the bully who was standing over and threatening another student. In the video, a crowd of students gathers around and they are egging the bully on, telling him to punch the student who is sitting on the ground. My daughter stands in his way and the crowd tells my daughter to move. They ask her why she is standing there. She stands her ground for over 5 minutes refusing to move, despite the pressure from everyone else. Finally, the bully starts to punch down at the student , actually partially hitting my daughter in the process. A friend then pulls my daughter away to safety.
She never made any aggressive moves. She simply said she would not allow the assault on the other boy. Her courage meant a lot to me. Always will.
To the school's credit, they also saw the video, removed the suspension, and apologized to my daughter.
We need more strong students to take a stand. But if it is not safe for any reason, tell an adult.
With a brave voice, just say it is not okay to hurt other people. Look them in the eye and ask them if they like to hurt other people. Ask them if they are trying to bully that person.
If you take a stand, most other kids will stop because they know they are wrong.
Talk to your friends. Tell them to support you and be strong with you. It is easier when friends support each other. Remember, never be a bully, even to the bullies. Just be brave! One brave person can change everything.
Last, reach out to the kids who are alone. The ones who have been ostracized. The ones who need it most. You do not need to be best friends. You simply need to be a decent human being. A kind word. A smile. Not too hard to show humanity and caring.
If you want to make lasting change, support any anti-bullying or community betterment club your school may sponsor. If one does not exist at your school, work with your school to decide which is the best for you.
As we said above, if we can be of assistance, we are here and would love to help.
More of the best songs and videos!
Artists making a difference. Please support these artists.
Taylor Swift - "Mean"
Grace Vanderwaal - "Clay"
JoJo Siwa - "Boomerang"
Pink- "Bridge of Light"
William Penn Middle School - "You'll See"
Morgan Frazier - "Hey Bully"
Sacha - "Stix N Stones"
Artists Against Bullying - "True Colors"
For King and Country - _It's Not Over Yet"
Sophie Grace - "Girl In The Mirror"
Elise Estrada - "Wonder Woman"
Bars & Melody - "Hopeful"
Rachel Crow - "Mean Girls""
Victoria Vida - "Shining Star"