As i have looked at hundreds of histories of children who have taken their lives my understanding of bullying and the causes of youth suicide has changed. Three patterns emerged and repeated themselves over and over. Three triggers continuously emerge before children commit suicide-

1. Slow emotional torture.  These children are often very sweet and caring. With their naturally gentle spirits they do not know how to respond to bullying and cruelty. They can not respond in kind because it is not in them. It is not that they lack the intelligence to confront or respond aggressively. They simply do not understand the hate and indifference emotionally and have no desire to participate. This is seen as weakness by those with less emotional intelligence and these children are then targeted.They are treated as though they are deficient even though they usually exhibit a higher degree of empathy and compassion than other children around them. But the barrages of ridicule and scorn directed at them wear them down. Because many of them have developed higher levels of tolerance they can forgive and ignore abuse often for years. But the damage and the weight of the hurt begins to wear at their soul. Often they feel they are reaching the point where they have no strength left, and choose to opt out. Most will show signs of despondency before they reach this point. The trigger may just be one more small act/word of indifference or meanness but their emotional capacity has overflowed. Many times these children do not verbalize the despair they feel. When they do decide to say something they almost always downplay the desperation they truly feel. It is not their nature to hurt others, and it is not their nature to worry others either. But most of the time you can see it in their eyes. You can see it in their demeanor. If we are watching they will let us know. It may just be hard to know what the source of their sadness is.

2. Overwhelming event. Sometimes the abuse directed at some children can be much like a flood that carries them away. One day all is well and the next so much hate and bullying is directed at them from multiple sources that it emotionally drowns them. This is becoming more and more common with social media. There is no getting away for these children. They are followed and hounded 24/7 with the cruelest of comments and told to kill themselves, or that the world would be better without them and no one would miss them. This form of bullying is becoming more and more prevalent. And the children affected by this are often emotionally and socially different than the children who are affected by the slow torture of bullying over years. The children affected by overwhelming events are often the popular students. Or the more socially connected students. Social media has increased suicides from onslaughts of derision coming from multiple sources at all hours of the day. There is no reprieve or escape. It is overwhelming emotionally for students who are connected socially to have those same social connections turn against them en masse. This is occurring often, especially as females are engaging in sexting at their own peril. The humiliation and betrayal of friends, male and female, with their private pictures that are disseminated throughout their school and social circles, is too much to endure. Females are more apt to use social media to destroy other female’s reputations. 

3. Zero Tolerance. Understandable as to it’s intentions, but has often turned out to be horrible in it’s practice. Zero tolerance, as written policy, generally allows for self defense. But in application, common sense or consideration of circumstances too often is replaced by an easier, quicker, and less thoughtful punishment of all “involved” parties. Rather than differentiating between an aggressor, or bully, if a child defends himself even as last resort, the incident will be considered a”fight”, rather than an assault. This allows for a quick resolution and less work and investigation . It is unforgiving and absolute, and does not recognize the difference between an aggressor and a victim. Adults would never subject themselves to such an unjust dispersement of law or policy. For our children, I have found over and over again that too many have committed suicide after being subjected to this injustice. Why? The majority of children who are bullied  do not defend themselves. It is not their nature or desire to respond to hate with hate, They tend to internalize the hurt, rather than respond in a confrontational manner. They would rather hurt themselves than another. Nevertheless, bullying is humiliation, and breaks down and erodes a child’s self-worth; children often passively turn the other cheek over months and years. And while children can be more resilient than adults, they do reach their breaking points. Often it is when they have reached their breaking point that they finally defend themselves. It is against their nature and it is a cry that you can not do this to me anymore. I have worth and it is being destroyed. And then…Zero Tolerance. They are punished for standing up for themselves. Since bullies actions by nature are secretive and kept hidden from authority, and since the bullied student usually is not manipulative or calculating in his reaction, the school in many cases, does not see the actions of the bully, and only sees the reaction of the bullied child. Too often the bullied child receives the harsher punishment, or the only punishment. There is insufficient effort to investigate or understand the circumstances. Even when the child seeks to explain, too often he is met by deaf ears. For Zero Tolerance too often does not care about circumstances, or understanding, or fairness. It is too often cold and uncaring. Therefore, when it is metered out, the adults are often cold and unsympathetic to circumstances in its administration.  Again, we adults do not subject ourselves to policy and law that is so unjust in it’s vision and execution. A child who has been bullied by his peers (social injustice) should never be subject to more social injustice, and indifference by those in positions of authority and power over him or her. It is too much. In fact, time and again, we have seen that this final act of injustice by administrators has been the catalyst that sent children over the edge. Time and again children have taken their lives after mediating adults have punished these children who finally stood up for themselves, while having been blind to the bullying behavior they have endured, often for months or even years. Do you see? It is the last slap of social injustice. The last message that they do not matter. It is the realization that even the adults they turn to are indifferent. While that may not be true, that is the emotional impact and the reality to these children. 

 

Sometimes people feel that this information is overwhelming. But we can fix this. It feels most overwhelming if somehow we are trying to maintain the status quo despite the staggering amount of evidence that the problem is too big and that it is only getting worse. We can not afford to continue with the status quo, either in our views or our responses. We must reassess our values as a society. Let's slow down. Take a look at what our end goals are.

Most teachers and administrators within our schools entered the profession with a desire to make a difference in the lives of our youth. 

Many become rather disillusioned over time with the profession for many reasons. "Teaching to the test", micromanagement, suppressed individual creativity and autonomy in the classroom, increasing workloads combined with high stress, lack of appreciation, etc. There are many ways we could improve our schools and re-empower our teachers and administrators on the school and classroom levels.

Teachers and administrators work in a high stress environment on a daily basis. With constant deadlines and evaluations determined by test scores there leaves little time for individual student attention.

Under the present conditions it is understandable that bullied and excluded students are often overlooked. Yet, today, more than ever, children need individual attention, not just at home, but within the school setting.

As I have looked at over a thousand cases of bullying, I have seen a common element that keeps occurring throughout the country. A child reports being bullied to school administrators or a teacher. The child is told that proper actions will be taken. And then...nothing. No follow up. 

This is almost always the case throughout the entire country. The same story over and over from the children and their families, forever repeating. So there must be something endemic within the schools that is causing this dynamic.

There are multiple reasons from high workloads and stress, to negative evaluations on the school if bullying reports are filed, to tight schedules that leave little time for interruptions.

And yet, if we slow down and look again, our perspective may change. In fact, it has to change. When a child looks to adults for help, this is not an interruption to the day. This is a perfect teaching moment. This is a moment where lives can be changed for the better, or simply overlooked. This is why you entered the profession of teaching. Teachers and administrators must have their own perspective and values in order to see this clearly. They must have the support and understanding of their districts and peers. Staff must receive consistent training in creating campuses of inclusion and awareness of others. Emotionally intelligent schools! Then the school atmosphere can and will change. Then our communications and expectations will change. Then students will also believe that bullying behaviors are not accepted and the occurrences will diminish significantly.

When I grew up I remember that smoking was considered cool in school. Now, it is not seen as cool at all. Youth have changed their opinion regarding smoking due to the values of the society in which they live. In other words, as adult's values have changed, the youth have also. 

Japan is an interesting example. People leave their bikes out throughout the country without locking them up. And yet, the bikes are rarely ever stolen. If you should leave your wallet or cell phone somewhere, you have about a 90% chance it will be returned to you complete, or will be there when you return. Vending machines are everywhere, all over the streets. Unattended but no one steals from them. Why is this? Because they have established a value system that they simply do not steal. It is understood throughout all the culture. And, because they truly believe it, and value it, the youth do too.

The greater part of bullying will stop within our schools when the adults truly believe it is not acceptable.

Our children spend more or less half their day on school campuses. So much of their young lives are spent outside the home and within school. The influence of the school culture, atmosphere, and beliefs they find in the social circles and hallways, and lunchrooms create the foundation of their social intelligence, Can teachers and administrators overlook the lessons that must be emphasized so our children learn character matters, and how we treat others matters, within the school, and, by extension, within all of society? When teachers and administrators understand that the lessons our children are learning at school go way beyond math and science, etc., and our schools take on these responsibilities to ensure the emotional wellbeing of our children in their sacred roles, then they will be able to change the hearts of the students within their schools. 

Morality is what we teach in the home. But humanity is what we teach in all of society. Our schools must teach and expect civility, decency, and humanity in the interactions of students and staff . It is within the schools that our children are having the most social or anti-social education, and this responsibility must be recognized, valued, and rewarded. The home has less social interaction among peers than the school. So the school must be a place where a child learns decency and humanity, empathy, and inclusion, outside the family. If we do not recognize this fact and embrace this challenge to a greater degree than we currently do,  our society will continue to pay the price.

Babies reflect the pathologies of their parents and caretakers. Older children and teenagers reflect the pathologies of their parents and their social environments. In other words, what adults create and believe, our attitudes and social creations, are reflected in our children.

My research has shown that children who commit suicide are often very sensitive children. This is not weakness, this is strength. They would never hurt someone else. When they do take their lives, they are simply reflecting the antipathy and indifference that they have endured for too long.

As I write this page I am aware that teachers are overburdened, working with tight schedules, increasing infringement on classroom autonomy, and and daily high stress.I have seen all over the country the dedication of our teachers to their students. I have seen many dip into their own pockets to purchase supplies and extra materials for their classrooms. So I know some may read my words and feel I am increasing their workload even more. Or that my words indicate a lack of appreciation and understanding of their efforts. This is not the case. Rather, I am seeking solutions that ease the burden, at least in part. We have learned through mistakes and corrections, as well as time-proven application, that investing time  in teaching EI (even just a few minutes a day) eases the burden in many other areas of teaching and improves overall student grades and campus culture. It is the magic elixir! But haven't we always innately known that improvements in character improve all facets of life?

The  research, studies, and application of teaching Emotional Intelligence in the classroom is further discussed on the page "Teaching Empathy, Caring, and Awareness".