An Anti-Bullying, Finding our Humanity & Decency Movement
Teaching our children to think and act intelligently.
It takes the heart.
We commonly define intelligence as the brain's ability or capacity to learn information, the cognitive abilities of the brain to obtain knowledge.
Our centers of learning, especially in the younger grades up through high school, focus a great deal of attention on the acquisition of facts by students.
Of course, a knowledge of dates, events, facts, science, discoveries, etc., is necessary to our development and the increase in knowledge improves our capacity to better our lives.
But it is not the acquisition of facts that best indicate a more complete, or deeper level of intelligence. Rather, it is the ability to process information and understand it in relation to the universe surrounding it, that indicates true intelligence.
Computers have almost infinite abilities to receive and store information. So, are they intelligent? No! (although AI is changing this to some degree).
A computer is unaware of its own existence. Unable to make decisions independent of its programming. A computer can not tell the importance of one piece of information in relation to any and all other information. It can be programmed to put values on some information above others, but this is simply programming, So the Holocaust is no more important than the color of dirt. A computer can not value information with any deeper understanding. To do so requires the heart.
When it comes to the advancement of humanity, progress, happiness, meaningful living, negating suffering, information must be received and learned (understood) by both the mind and the heart.
Why do we dedicate so much time to learning? Why do we send our children to institutions of learning from the time they are 4 or 5 years old? Is it not to progress as individuals and societies? To better our existence? Of course! Therefore, it is vital that in our homes and our learning institutions we teach both our children's hearts and minds. Emotional intelligence provides the context by which all other information should be taught and understood. Emotional intelligence is the lens through which information should be processed and understood. Emotional intelligence is the sturdy foundation upon which a society must be built. Educating the mind without educating the heart is a recipe for power without character. Without EI information and learning can range from beneficial to destructive.
In a study published in 2010 it was found that there has occurred a 48% drop in empathetic concern for others over the past few decades. Most of the decline had occurred since 2000. This is a trend that will spell devastating results for our children and the world they will soon inherit.
“I believe that the abominable deterioration of ethical standards stems primarily from the mechanization and depersonalization of our lives,” Einstein wrote in a letter to his friend, psychiatrist Otto Juliusburger, in 1948, “a disastrous byproduct of science and technology. Nostra culpa!”
It has been 70 years since Einstein wrote these words to his friend, and they continue to ring true, perhaps now more than ever. Think social media for a start. I believe he was saying, at least in part, that while we continue to increase in knowledge, our humanity, or emotional intelligence, has deteriorated. And this creates a very dangerous world. Increased knowledge with decreased humanity, or emotional intelligence. We are developing a culture of casual meanness and casual indifference, and sometimes it turns into casual cruelty.
It is up to us to decide whether life is beautiful, or life is cruel. We are the adults and have the power to create beauty and compassion if we choose. Inactivity, apathy, and indifference on our part will mean continued cruelty and hopelessness for some of our children.
“We live in an adolescent society, Neverland, where never growing up seems more the norm than the exception. Little boys wearing expensive suits in adult bodies should not be allowed to run big corporations. They shouldn’t be allowed to run governments, armies, religions, small businesses and charities either and just quietly, they make pretty shabby husbands and fathers too. Mankind has become Pankind and whilst “lost boys” abound, there is also an alarming increase in the number of “lost girls.”
- Daniel Prokup, author of Leaving Neverland (Why Little Boys Shouldn't Run Big Corporations).
While we find that Daniel Prokop's statement is a bit strong, nevertheless, the point is well made. We see all around us examples of powerful men and women in government and the private sector who lack emotional intelligence. Usually these type A personalities make up for their emotional deficiencies through their energy and ambition, as well as great PR. Also, power is maintained because of the lack of emotional intelligence of others.
If we want a safer and happier world for our children, we must teach them in our homes and schools the emotional building blocks for success.
We must recognize that emotional intelligence is the foundation for all learning. And within EI, the greatest trait of all is empathy and understanding of others. It is what makes individuals and societies great. It provides the lens through which we may correctly view life and others around us. Emotional intelligence curbs abuse of power, and allows for individuals to seek the betterment of the group, rather than letting fear, insecurity, apathy, and ego dictate their decisions. It is the best pathway to happiness as individuals, families, and as societies.
If we neglect teaching emotional intelligence in our homes and learning institutions as the foundation of all other learning, the results will range from continued unnecessary conflicts and division to individual and societal destruction.
The cost of our apathy or lack of understanding has already proven too great. I have looked at the histories of a couple thousand children who have been bullied and keep the pictures of over 800 who were bullied and took their lives. They serve to remind me that this is not a vain exercise to prove a point. No, these children were very real and now they are gone. There is no going back and apologizing or fixing what has happened. we can only fix the future and put our own values in order. How does a child or adolescent ever reach the point where they decide no life is better than the continued pain they feel? How is it that we can allow these children to be overlooked and hurt to this degree within our schools and continue to go on as business as usual?
It is time we stop and reassess the lessons we are teaching , even if those lessons come from our omission. What we do not teach, what we accept and even ignore, teach our children through omission what has value and what does not.
You know, the adolescent years are full of volatile emotions. There are many reasons that children develop negative self images or even attempt to take their lives during these years. Way too often it is a direct result of the bullying actions of others, or the ostracism and rejection from their peers. Other times it is because of additional or other reasons. But here's the thing. Even when it is for other reasons, bullying and/or ostracism of the youth still, so often, play a damaging role in their lives and contribute to a negative self image. All of us can face our struggles and problems so much better when we have support and friends and family to turn to. Adults too. But take these away from our children, and replace the support they should receive with peer ostracism and/or bullying, and adult indifference, then, when other problems occur, many have not yet developed the self-worth and strength to move forward. And if life has taught them from a young age that they are not valued by society around them, well, maybe there is some truth to it.
For too many students, schools have become battlegrounds where there is a daily internal fight to maintain any sense of self worth and self respect. For too many, schools have become breeding grounds of anti-social behavior and a source of debilitating pain. While these words may seem strong, if we had to walk in the shoes of those who are bullied or treated as worthless by their peers, we would know the words are accurate.
Schools are learning institutions. But for too many, the daily lessons are destructive to their mental well being.
How can we have learning institutions that fail to recognize, and take responsibility for, the emotional well being of their students? How can we teach math and science, english and social studies, and then overlook the greater lessons that will impact our societies and country much more? If we require our children to attend, we do not have the right to say we are not responsible for the atmosphere, or the culture, created on these campuses. I am not talking about simply responding to problems appropriately when they are presented. Nor am i talking about some signs on the walls or sporadic PD. I am talking about proactive solutions that teach our children respect, acceptance, empathy, and inclusion of others. No, we are not even close to serious enough about these issues. Of course. these responsibilities must fall at the feet of the adults.
"The adults in our nation’s schools play a major role in creating a positive or negative school climate. When the school climate is not supportive and unhealthy, then bullying and concomitant problems proliferate." (Kasen, Johnson, Chen, Crawford, & Cohen, 2011).
The following video is hard to watch. In fact it is painful and you may need tissue. It is the reality of what is happening in our schools every day. And continues to happen every day as we are losing around 16 youth a day to suicide with bullying being either the reason or a contributor in too many of these. Just as staggering, according to the CDC, for every child who takes his or her life, there are over 100 other attempts by our youth. That is over 1600 suicide attempts every day. And those are just the ones that there are hospital; records on. While no clear stats are available on the subject, we believe through our studies, that approximately half of these involve ostracism, isolation, or bullying.
This is not hyperbole. This is not an intellectual exercise. This is simply the truth occurring every day.
For many of us, the most rewarding and challenging role we will ever play will be as a parent. There are few set rules. The right course of action is as diverse as our children are. The challenges are many, and one of the greatest difficulties is instilling values in our children, when we are fighting against other influences outside the home. Even the best parents and the best children are often overwhelmed by these outside influences. This is why it is imperative that we get involved and help our schools foster climates of respect, empathy, inclusion, and awareness. Since our children, from the age of 4 or 5 until the age of 17 spend half of each weekday in the care of the schools, these lessons can not be ignored. We do not advocate making our schools responsible for teaching value systems to our children. Each family will teach their values to their own children, and they will vary. But almost all of us can agree that empathy and understanding, caring and inclusion, providing safe settings for our children, are positive values we hold in common. These must be proactively taught rather than only reactively enforced through disciplinary measures.
There is a battle going on and it is playing out on our school campuses among our youth. How many times do we hear from our children that we do not know how it is anymore? That our ideas are antiquated?
Is it a dog eat dog world? Survival of the fittest? There are winners and losers and we must be winners at the expense of values? Or is the world a safe place where people are compassionate and caring? Our children develop beliefs regarding themselves, and the world around them, based on the social interactions where they spend the majority of their days- the school. In the end, the world is simply what we create. And what we believe and teach in our homes and schools.
Yes, we are wired for empathy. From the time we are babies we expect the world and those around us to respond emphatically. Because this is our natural state, when the world does not respond appropriately, we instinctively withdraw from this unnatural state. It is self- protection.
When children withdraw due to bullying or ostracism at school, they are often further attacked and labeled. The more the child withdraws the more they are considered as strange and ignored by their peers. This continues to happen year after year, and our schools continue to be breeding grounds of an unnatural lack of empathy. So, no, we are not doing enough!
What can you do as a parent?
Teach your child to be emphatic. This skill set is needed more than ever in the world and in business. It is needed more than ever in our schools. Many parents are often shocked to find that their loving child at home is a bully at times in school. Have the dialogue with your child and ask them straight- forward if they ever bully other children, or if they ever have. Help them understand the damage bullying and labeling and mistreating others does. Many children engage in this behavior simply because they are trying to survive themselves in a school atmosphere that was created long before they were born and which we adults have not yet taken serious enough to fix.
Check your own values. Make sure you communicate the value of kindness, and decency to your children.
As parents we are usually on top of grades. We ask the child how they are doing at school. If they are on top of their homework. How they did on their test. We check their grades.
Grades are very important and we do well by staying on top of it. But let me ask you. Are your child's grades more important than his or her character?
We should also be asking our children about how they treat others at school on a regular basis? They need to know that we don't just value those qualities that serve our own interests. We value those qualities that make the world a better place for those around us.
Ask other important questions such as-
Do you ever see other children being bullied? Do you stand up for them?
Do you ever see other children being excluded or sitting alone without friends? Could you make a difference in their lives by just a smile or a few moments of your time? Do you ever include your friends in helping someone else?
If it is important enough for you to ask on a regular basis, your child will believe it is one of your family's values.
If you believe your child may say or do hurtful things to other children, watch the following video with them. Nic Vujicic is an amazing man who had to overcome great pain in his youth and even now to help our children become better human beings.
Also, I highly recommend watching the following video with your child. You may choose to watch it first. It was put out by the Mormon church for their members and has religious content throughout. But the video is right on point with a powerful message. We do not need to share the same religious beliefs, but we do appreciate the principles of humanity being shared. For this reason, we have included this video here.
Open the lines of communication with your child. You must lead your child by both word and example. Sometimes our biggest challenge can be recognizing the words we speak and communicate. And changing our own hearts and stopping our own negative patterns (gossiping with bad intent, snide remarks, contention, envy, etc). So hard to change but for our children, we can do it.
Let your home exemplify the values of kindness and love for others.
Put up pictures or quotes that represent these values. In my home among others we had a framed picture with the words,
"That thing about loving your neighbor. I meant that! -God
There are many out there to choose from. Just find yours.
Please read the following from Richard Weissbourd and Stephanie Jones, Making Caring Common Project, Harvard Graduate School of Education .
How Parents Can Cultivate Empathy in Children
Also from the Making Caring Common Project:
