"Boys will be boys." We have all heard that before.

It is also said that bullying is just a "rite of passage". Could that be true? Do we pay too much attention to the issue of bullying, making it out to be worse than it really is? Are we coddling our children too much, creating weak youth without the capacity to stand up for themselves?

The evidence seems to indicate just the opposite. All efforts at providing love, protection, empathy, inclusion, and tolerance seem to help children also develop strength and positive outlooks.

Where these things are missing, and, instead, children find neglect, apathy, indifference, and aggression, they tend to develop weaker characters, less resiliency, and a negative outlook on life. 

Do you think that this generation lacks strength of character and resiliency? If so, look to the generation that is raising them for at least one of the reasons. It is very often the values and neglect of  adults and the greater society that contributes to the weakness in our children.

​

Bullying defined

​

To understand the answer to the question above, we must first have a clear understanding of what bullying is.

Bullying involves repetitive or long term behaviors that are damaging to the physical  or mental well being of another. The key is that the behavior is repetitive or long term.

Bullying usually involves an imbalance of power. In other words, a stronger individual or group preys upon the weakness, or perceived weakness, of another.

This is unlike normal conflict. Normal conflict can actually be healthy for the individuals involved. Conflict teaches us the tools for healthy social interaction and interpersonal resolution.

Bullying is not interested in healthy outcomes. Rather, the behaviors, by design, are damaging to either the physical well being, or mental well being, or both, of the victim.

Bullying behaviors target the physical well being or mental well being of their targets. 

In very general terms, bullying behaviors by boys usually involve physical or verbal aggression. They are more overt in nature.

Bullying behaviors by girls usually are designed to cause mental distress  or psychological damage.

This type of bullying involves the destruction of another's reputation and friendships. It is often covert in nature.

In our view at TIES, bullying intended to cause psychological damage is on the rise, while bullying involving

physical aggression is remaining steady in terms of societal percentages of occurrences (within the United States).

This is due in part to social media, creating a new platform for increased psychological bullying. This is also due

to what we perceive to be increasing aggression among school age females.

In both cases, bullying involves the dehumanization of the victim. 

In both cases, the victims are usually ostracized. They have either been previously ostracized (therefore, easy targets),

or are ostracized through the bullying process.

​

Neglect as the predecessor to bullying.

 

I was talking to an attorney a while back. The gentleman represented school districts throughout the United States and the conversation turned to the subject of bullying, as he was aware of the work I was involved in. He opened up and voiced what many also wonder. He asked if all the attention to bullying was actually more hyperbole than reality. After all, bullying has always existed. Why all the attention now? He went on to tell me how he had also been bullied as a child. When he was younger another boy made his life hell for awhile. He was Jewish in a non-Jewish neighborhood and was constantly teased and harassed by another. The attorney said that he finally got into a physical altercation with the boy and was left alone after that. He felt that the bullying that he endured, and his confrontation with the bully, had helped him develop his character.

I asked him if he grew up with attentive parents. He said that he had. I asked him if he felt that overall he had a good life at home. He again responded, "Yes".

I asked if he had friends at school. Again his answer was yes.

I asked if he felt physically capable of defending himself against the bully. he said, "Yes".

So I asked him to imagine another scenario. To change his circumstances. Imagine if you did not come from a strong family. Imagine from the time you were young not receiving the support and love that strengthened your character and gave you a foundation to go out and have confidence in yourself. 

Imagine going to school and not having friends. Feeling alone and vulnerable. Does this now change the equation?

Imagine not being able to physically stand up for yourself. Imagine trying to do so and the outcome being different. Just not having the physical           abilities to win that fight. The bully wins and now the bullying becomes worse.

You see, what this attorney experienced was bullying, yes. But, fortunately for him, he had the tools and the support, and the ability, to defend himself.  Not all do! And the children who do not have all the same advantages are not at fault.

​The second part of his question was if all the attention to bullying in the last few years has only served to make the problem seem larger than it really is.. The answer is no. In fact, the true extent of the problem is greater than most are aware. Bullying is increasing in occurrences as well as severity. Many are now referring to it as the "silent epidemic".

Why does the public not know the true depth of the bullying epidemic and the amount of loss of life of our sons and daughters?

 

1. The media, as a rule, does not report suicides, or attempted suicides of children and teenagers. So rarely do we see the faces, which are thousands, that would make it real, and wake up the larger population to the extent of the problem

2. The few stories we see are reported over and over again nationwide giving the impression that the stories are few and far between and sensationalized. Meanwhile, we are losing close to 6000 youth a year to suicide, and estimates of over 500000 attempts every year. These numbers are increasing every year and have tripled since 1980.

3. There is a stigma attached to suicide and bullying both. A public conversation is difficult to have.

4. When children do take their lives, the pain the family feels and questions that ensue are very private. Most families choose to deal with their grief and pain privately. They especially do not want the life of their child to be defined by the negative actions others have inflicted on them. And this is completely understandable and right. But it does lend to a less adequate picture of the extent of bullying in our schools.

5. Inadequate accountability by schools. Current laws are such that schools are not to provide public information as to discipline measures taken, or conversations had regarding incidents of bullying. This information is not even shared with the affected party. So if a child is bullied and reports it to the school, he/she will be told that they will take care of it. There is rarely follow up with the child or the parents of the child to ease anxiety and create trust. Bullied children are usually not even told who was talked to and when, let alone results and measures taken. There is no accountability to the child who is bullied, the parents, or the student body. While there are reports that schools are required to submit regarding reports of bullying, evidence shows that the records are not being kept. There is a significant gap between incidents of bullying and school-reported cases of bullying. Despite this gap, and increasing occurrences of bullying, there appears to not be adequate internal or external oversight or follow up. Perhaps there are not adequate resources to provide needed follow up. 

6. Often, incidents of bullying are downplayed on campus. The incentive for a school is to dismiss these incidents or to label them differently.

7. There is still a public shaming of these youth, even by adults, on a consistent basis. They are referred to as weak, socially awkward, misfits, etc. In other words, we blame the victim for the behavior of their peers. This only further reinforces in the child’s mind that there is something wrong with them and they deserve to be mistreated and shunned, and verbally abused. So of course they will not open up when they are bullied. Unfortunately, the truth is much different, and the myth that these children are weak is far from the truth.

8. Culture of silence among our youth. Even parents have to work hard hard to get through this wall for much less sensitive subjects.

9. Without adequate safeguards children tend to suffer in silence often for months or years. They believe that if they say something nothing will truly be done, and their situation will only become worse.

10. The subject of bullying goes to a child’s self-worth. Children and teenagers are looking for their identity. To verbalize that their peer group has deemed them “inadequate” or “worthless”  is humiliating and shames them and gives form, credence, or life, to the idea that they are not good enough even for common decency. Many children will take their lives, or attempt suicide, after constant prolonged bullying, and yet never let anyone know how hopeless and despondent they have become. The shame and hurt is just too great.

                                               

The suicide rate among our youth continues to climb, and many of these suicides are by children who have either been bullied or feel ostracized and neglected by their peers. Right now we are losing approximately 16 youth each day to suicide in the U.S., and that number continues to  climb.                                 

News sources do not report youth suicides often for a number of reasons. Privacy being one. Youth suicides occurring under the radar being another. But even when the media is aware they often choose to not report it for a very good reason. We know that when suicides are reported among our youth, often this leads to other youth also attempting to take their lives.

So unless you are personally involved and seeing firsthand what is happening, or you are able to see the facts and figures and the stats, you may not realize the extent of the problem.​